At other times I have always felt this wierd uneasiness in my being whenever she walked away from me in a fit of rage. She in turn would always expect me to come after her and make up with her. This time, things were rather different. She calmly asked me to get lost. I warned her saying that this will be possibly be our last meeting, implying that we were breaking up. Without batting an eyelid she asked me to return the band that she had given me as a token of our relationship. I asked her to take it off herself. She did. I threw away the box of chicken that I had made at home and had brought for her. I pointed at that box and said "This never happened S". She nodded again with a hard glinty face. I turned. And walked away. She waited for me to turn with that same stony look on her face. I walked a few steps and looked back.I saw her walking off, calmly connecting her earphones to her new Corby. This time there was no uneasiness. I hardly reacted. It did not bother me that this relationship was over. I walked to the nearest cigarrette shop. Bought a Marlboro Lights. Lit it with a massive HomeLite matchbox. I stood there on the sidewalk inhaling the nicotine and searching my mind and heart. I went through all the emotions that were running in my head. And none of them resonated with any pain related to this breakup. I knew I was right in what I was feeling about this relationship. I really wanted to end it. There was nothing in it anymore. Not after the incidents that had happened. I can have unlimited patience and I can also be blindingly ruthless in my decisions. This was one of those ruthless, clear and just decisions.
It was slightly cold and I could feel the cold air sneaking in through my thin saffron coloured shirt.I located an autorickshaw and hopped in. Surprisingly my mind was pre-occupied with the cold rather than the break up. In fact I was surprised and tried to search my emotions again. No...nothing. No trace of any pain anywhere. No longing. No sudden gush of uncontrolled emotion. No regret. No wanting to go back. Nothing. It was just the cold and nothing else. The autorickshaw was taking a long time to fill up. I got down from it and took another one. Before getting in I nervously looked at the seats. There was one empty at the back and one empty in front. I took the one at the back. The cold wind hit my on my face. I dropped the last of the cigarette and hugged myself to protect me from the wind. Suddenly I realized that the auto was going the same way that S had taken. For the first time I felt something jumping inside me. I felt this trace of a thought ballooning into a wierd nervousness. I did not want her to get on to the front seat. I did not want to get into this sticky situation where she and I would be in the same auto. I did not trust her. She was capable of literally anything. It was entirely possible that she might just turn around and slap me, like she had done in office. And once a deed is done it cant be taken back. I desperately wanted to avoid all possible confrontations with her. I was afraid of her rage and mine. I prayed to god that someone on the way would stop the auto and occupy the front seat. I kept looking outside and checking for a black dress. Finally a man got it. I was relieved. I wanted to go back home. I wanted to buy some food for dinner. I didnt want my brother to stay alone at home for too long.
My head was clean without a trace of afterglow. I had bought rumali rotis and a couple of plates of chicken chaanp. It was quite delicious. I knew my brother would like it. I was hungry myself. I had this personal understanding with myself that whatever happened was perhaps ideal. It was justice. And that gave me a rare clarity and relief that i cannot explain. I kept my chin tucked on my chest and walked on towards home. No I was not pondering about anything. I was simply keeping an eye on the road to avoid the spit and the dirt. Practicality and objectivism has always been the way I looked at everything in this world. And this incident was going to be no different.
My head was clean without a trace of afterglow. I had bought rumali rotis and a couple of plates of chicken chaanp. It was quite delicious. I knew my brother would like it. I was hungry myself. I had this personal understanding with myself that whatever happened was perhaps ideal. It was justice. And that gave me a rare clarity and relief that i cannot explain. I kept my chin tucked on my chest and walked on towards home. No I was not pondering about anything. I was simply keeping an eye on the road to avoid the spit and the dirt. Practicality and objectivism has always been the way I looked at everything in this world. And this incident was going to be no different.
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